SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: May 10, 2013 8:05:09 AM
Today's B. C. Comic Strip addresses the object of golf!
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Mar 11, 2013 8:34:41 AM
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and un-lovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Feb 20, 2013 12:12:21 PM
Leno's Tiger Woods joke must've scored well Monday that he came back with more last night:
Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week.
Actually, you know what the president's handicap is? He doesn't understand economics.
Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages.
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Feb 20, 2013 6:22:58 AM
Jay Leno had some fun at Tiger's expense Monday night with this zinger:
Yesterday, President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods.
Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger? She told him, “No hanging out with Tiger afterward. You come right home.”
(cross posted in the TW thread)
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DRIVESFAST
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San Bernardino
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Message Posted: Jan 28, 2013 11:54:20 AM
Why is this sport called GOLF?
Because Hell, Damn, S***, and F*** were already taken.
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Jan 23, 2013 10:35:48 AM
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Oct 9, 2012 6:36:27 AM
What are the four meanest words you could hear during a game of golf?
It's still your turn!
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SUVFan
Champion Author
Columbus
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Message Posted: Aug 2, 2012 6:36:18 AM
Trevino told this story during his appearance on Feherty:
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English ?"
Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do"
The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her".
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Jun 21, 2012 8:51:54 AM
Best Caddy Responses
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . you miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch . it's a compass."
Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good . but personally, I prefer golf."
Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."
And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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SUVFan
Champion Author
Columbus
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Message Posted: May 31, 2012 10:34:05 AM
The Mulligan
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer.
After a bad tee shot, he announced that he was hitting his "Mulligan", which was an extremely good one.
The Scot asked the American, "What is this Mulligan you said you were playing?
The American explained that it's a common practice in America that when someone hits a poor tee shot, once per nine holes you are permitted re-tee your ball without penalty. He then asked, "Surely you have a name for that over here in Scotland?"
The Scot deadpanned, "Oh, indeed we do, lad: We call it 3."
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Apr 16, 2012 8:01:48 AM
Here is a golf ethics question for you.
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the
match was halved at the end of 17 holes? You had the honor and hit your ball
a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a
simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.
Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the
pin.
About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim
from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click,
the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the
woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the
hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheater’s ball out of your pocket and confront him
with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
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MeadowBay
Rookie Author
Calgary
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Message Posted: Mar 26, 2012 6:13:51 AM
nice
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hooky
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Michigan
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Message Posted: Mar 19, 2012 6:29:09 AM
Biggest joke right now is Ernie Els putting stroke!
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Mar 18, 2012 8:47:55 AM
> >Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
> >
> >Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
> >
> >Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
> >
> >Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but
> >I think I've got that right, now."
> >
> >Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
> >playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
> >play, it seems to be all right."
> >
> >Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
> >
> >Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
> >
> >Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
> >
> >Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
> >and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
> >towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
> >to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
> >towards his voice."
> >
> >"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
> >
> >"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
> >and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
> >towards his voice."
> >
> >Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
> >
> >Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
> >
> >Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
> >
> >Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
> >money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
> >problem?"
> >
> >Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
> >that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
> >
> >Stevie: "Pick any night."
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Feb 23, 2012 11:11:19 AM
During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight
beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down
several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of
quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks"
behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heckuv'n outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just an awful golfer."
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PuddinPal
Champion Author
California
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Message Posted: Feb 20, 2012 6:08:55 PM
New rules of golf:
As many palls as may be required may be played from the first tee. Everyone recognizes a good player needs to "loosen up" but does not have time for the practice tee.
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway; the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable phenomena.
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled and play the ball from there. Preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, so the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.
When a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Feb 7, 2012 9:56:29 AM
A very bad golfer is playing at a new course and he is having a very bad day.
He is on the 18th hole, and he spots a lake.
He says to his caddy, "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy says, "I don't think you can, you can't keep your head down that long."
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SUVFan
Champion Author
Columbus
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Message Posted: Jan 27, 2012 8:13:10 AM
Physical Exam
During my physical yesterday, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday morning, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."
Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be some outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a terrible golfer."
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golftellowcat
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Ottawa
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Message Posted: Jan 8, 2012 6:38:52 AM
Another preacher's golf.
On a clear blue sky day, one golf avid preacher went as a single player and was matched with a threesome. The preacher is a heavy slicer. After a couple of slices, he said damn slice. And he repeated that time after time as he continuously sliced. One of his playing partner told him: Please watch your language. He answered: Oh I am sorry, I won't do it again. He shut his mouth for about 15min and started to damn his slices again. The partner said: Oh no, not again. The preacher said: Oh I am sorry, I swear to God I will not repeat it. Two holes later, the preacher sliced his drive out of bound! Damn it he said. Suddenly the clear blue sky disappeared and there was plenty of dark clouds. Lightning struck down and killed...his partner right next to the preacher! The preacher looked at the sky and said. Oh Lord, I am the one who used strong language, why do you punished him? Then there's a loud answer in the sky: DAMN SLICE!
PS: I am not a slicer, my bad shots are more pull hooks but cannot find jokes about hookers.
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Dec 2, 2011 7:44:36 AM
Crazy about golf
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Nov 16, 2011 7:39:45 AM
"Ninety percent of putts that are short don't go in."
-- Yogi Berra
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yakli
All-Star Author
Victoria
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Message Posted: Sep 18, 2011 6:46:30 AM
Haha, FUNNY
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Sep 6, 2011 7:31:50 AM
Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other,
" My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Jul 25, 2011 9:39:14 AM
The Preacher Golfs
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. The urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he's doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A perfect hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
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SUVFan
Champion Author
Columbus
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Message Posted: Jun 15, 2011 2:33:30 PM
Very well done:
Rangé balls. Content warning: somewhat suggestive at times.
Apparently this was an ad for an actual event that already happened.
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Jun 10, 2011 1:14:38 PM
Jay Leno used golf for this bi partisan jab last night:
•President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears.
[Edited by: SUVFan at 6/10/2011 4:15:44 PM EST]
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duffer36
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Toledo
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Message Posted: Apr 15, 2011 6:38:14 PM
<< But then, I still like OJ jokes! >>
That's because OJ jokes NEVER get old!
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Apr 14, 2011 9:41:39 AM
I'm not tired of 'em yet, Duff. But then, I still like OJ jokes!
Dave is working on other golf material, but it's tough. His top 10 Monday night, for example:
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Charl Schwartzel
10. Charl is short for Charlene
9. Started playing golf last August
8. Launched 30-city “My Violent Putter of Truth” tour
7. “Golf Digest” lists him as the No. 1 player in the world named Charl
6. His favorite breakfast: Schwaffles
5. Drives for dough, putts for show
4. Could hardly focus after Pia was kicked off “American Idol”
3. Even he’s not sure how to pronounce his name
2. Played third round wearing Jimmy Choo stilettos
1. Once missed a tournament because of a herniated Schwartzel
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duffer36
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Toledo
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Message Posted: Apr 12, 2011 3:33:15 PM
I find myself not even laughing about those types of jokes anymore. It's all been played out as far as I'm concerned. Dave, and the others for that matter, need to find some NEW material.
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Apr 12, 2011 11:23:29 AM
From last night's Letterman (about the Masters):
•Tiger Woods came in fourth, but that’s still a pretty good paycheck for his ex-wife.
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SUVFan
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Columbus
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Message Posted: Apr 4, 2011 7:43:31 AM
I'll get it started by "borrowing" one from the Hammish Page:
THE LAWS OF GOLF
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler,
a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
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